Spoiler :
It's nearly time for our favourite cuddly vampires to return and do battle with extremely unrealistic CGI werewolves in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. For those among you not up to speed so far, here's an Idiot's Guide To Twilight, by a man who has seen neither films so far and has no intention of watching this one, but knows some people who have …
• A sensitive teenage girl (you can tell she's sensitive because she constantly wears the expression of a recently slapped Labrador puppy) called Bella moves to a depressingly grungy Washington town and meets Edward, a sensitive teenage boy (you can tell he's sensitive because he has big hair and looks like he's on heroin) and thinks, "I'll have some of that."
• But he's like, "Whoa, no way! You're not getting any of this!" and his eyes go funny colours.
• They start to hang out, and she starts thinking he's a vampire, as you naturally do when someone is a bit standoffish, and he says, "Actually, you're right, but don't worry, I and my vampire clan don't drink human blood, just mammals. We're vegetarian vampires," which will be of some comfort to the 5,400 non-humans on Earth, and then he stands in the sunlight and twinkles, because that's what vampires really do, and if you think they erupt into flames then, well, you are misinformed.
• Bella decides that this is reasonable, and besides she's in love with him now, so hangs out with his clan for a bit, and they all have magic powers which will all conveniently figure in the storyline in some way.
Some bad non-vegetarian vampires arrive, and one of them thinks, "I'll have some of that" about Bella, but not in a sex way.
• So she legs it with Edward and some other friendly vampires, because she's very trusting, but the bad vampire finds her, bats her about a bit, breaks her leg and bites her, but that's OK, because Edward sucks out the venom.
• And then they go to the school prom together, as one would do after a series of traumatic near-death experiences, and now Bella fancies being a vampire too because she, like, thinks Edward is totally hot.
• Then it's Bella's 18th birthday because we're on to the sequel now, and at her party Bella gets a paper cut and loads of vampire guests are like, "Whoa, we'll have some of that!" and so Edward has to tell them that it's totally not cool to vampirise his chick.
• And then he dumps her and his tribe leaves town and, you know, we've all had parties like that.
• Bella goes off the wall a bit, and starts hanging out more with her friend Jacob, but he's an extremely unrealistic CGI werewolf and vampires and werewolves do not get on, so he's not even going to get to first base.
• Edward, meanwhile, goes to Italy to piss off Michael Sheen, who is like the king vampire or something and can read people's minds, but Bella finds out about it, legs it to Italy, saves him with her love and then Edward sort of proposes but Bella has to become a vampire because, like, we all have to make sacrifices in relationships.
• And that's it. Except that we have two instalments to come.
• And lots of extremely unrealistic CGI werewolves.
• Sooooo awesome!
• A sensitive teenage girl (you can tell she's sensitive because she constantly wears the expression of a recently slapped Labrador puppy) called Bella moves to a depressingly grungy Washington town and meets Edward, a sensitive teenage boy (you can tell he's sensitive because he has big hair and looks like he's on heroin) and thinks, "I'll have some of that."
• But he's like, "Whoa, no way! You're not getting any of this!" and his eyes go funny colours.
• They start to hang out, and she starts thinking he's a vampire, as you naturally do when someone is a bit standoffish, and he says, "Actually, you're right, but don't worry, I and my vampire clan don't drink human blood, just mammals. We're vegetarian vampires," which will be of some comfort to the 5,400 non-humans on Earth, and then he stands in the sunlight and twinkles, because that's what vampires really do, and if you think they erupt into flames then, well, you are misinformed.
• Bella decides that this is reasonable, and besides she's in love with him now, so hangs out with his clan for a bit, and they all have magic powers which will all conveniently figure in the storyline in some way.
Some bad non-vegetarian vampires arrive, and one of them thinks, "I'll have some of that" about Bella, but not in a sex way.
• So she legs it with Edward and some other friendly vampires, because she's very trusting, but the bad vampire finds her, bats her about a bit, breaks her leg and bites her, but that's OK, because Edward sucks out the venom.
• And then they go to the school prom together, as one would do after a series of traumatic near-death experiences, and now Bella fancies being a vampire too because she, like, thinks Edward is totally hot.
• Then it's Bella's 18th birthday because we're on to the sequel now, and at her party Bella gets a paper cut and loads of vampire guests are like, "Whoa, we'll have some of that!" and so Edward has to tell them that it's totally not cool to vampirise his chick.
• And then he dumps her and his tribe leaves town and, you know, we've all had parties like that.
• Bella goes off the wall a bit, and starts hanging out more with her friend Jacob, but he's an extremely unrealistic CGI werewolf and vampires and werewolves do not get on, so he's not even going to get to first base.
• Edward, meanwhile, goes to Italy to piss off Michael Sheen, who is like the king vampire or something and can read people's minds, but Bella finds out about it, legs it to Italy, saves him with her love and then Edward sort of proposes but Bella has to become a vampire because, like, we all have to make sacrifices in relationships.
• And that's it. Except that we have two instalments to come.
• And lots of extremely unrealistic CGI werewolves.
• Sooooo awesome!
